and here i am...i wish i never knew it..that the fact can affect me so sadly...from the stupidity off me, who want to know everyting from "investigating capability" to know other personality and life based on their activity in social networker...(my friend was told me that i have brilliant "visual Personality and activity eyes" and it's not only one, they always say "yes, i have that Intuition"..and today i just recently know that "somethinHappen" before i knew him...without planning or anything, it just spontaneus activity, klik that button, and i see it clearly...so much clearly, someone i never knew before...
so what can i do now?it's OK that he's normal, not a gay (absolutely)..and when he's single so long time ago before he met me, he try to flirt other girl(and it's normal too, it's OK, coz i have much fans more than him haha).. then i've found that clearly statement about "brokenHeartSing" before he met me too(just say that's so much OK (none human who never had a brokenheart?me too, much time..ahahah)..i can laugh with that...
then the worst became more worst thing...
when the time he asked his friend news, and say congratz to his friend coz they're married...and unexpectly(first, i think it's just a "normal" conversation) ..
till i found "his friend statement" about his "badHobby (when he lives on other country for 2 years)...god...i can't stop my tears at this momment, it's spontaneus feeling when you feel sad and dissapointed(esp woman)...
it's OK if you like clubbing, or drinking much alcohol or drugs maybe, i just don't care, that's your life, and that time we don't know each other..
but i see another, in my eyes, his loyality and faithfully being a BIG QUESTION..(before we met in this case)...coz i know something, if unfaithfully are your personality, it will never changed, and i have so much trauma about it, that's why call me "commitmentPhobia" in my 24 years of life...
see... you know now...that PMS is a sucks feeling, the worst emotional can be leakage from your deeply heart..i don't know from where's that stupid feel coming to me and make me so embarrassing this night...
i used to think more logic in this time(something i have to do)..it's about my life, my future, and my safety mind..and here is some hipotesis that born in my head...
i think it just a simple case, so much alternate reason from this fact..
--probably that's just "ManMock" (i HOPE)
--probably that's the truth (so sick)
--probably he has to explain to me somethin (it will be my reason for reject all of this)
--probably i have to forget this little stuff (there's so much thing that i have to thingking about than this stuff)
--probably it will be my reason to reject him someday (scary and sadly rite?and it's like corellate with other hipotesis)
--probably i should to ask him with "coolHead" when he's home(meaning i have to wait 4 month!!coz i have to see his eyes to know his honesty)
--probably i have to have this on my mind and my heart a whole life (damn the worst thing, absolutely i can hide from this fact)
--probably i have to throw that rubish in the garbage(coz it's not important and can destroy my happily life)
--probabbly i have to move on to the other side(i don't know where to go)
--probably it's just my fault to distrubing his privacy and wants to know everything bout him coz i don't know much about the person i love (is it my bad if i love someone?)
--probably i have to past all off this coz one reason....(the ideal and naive)
"i have to be more wise about life, commitment, and realise something...you never truly have all thing in this world, even your body will be seperate with your soul, even your family will be dead someday, and your carrier will be stop when older, and your husband will be gone with other wife, or your child will be married and gone with her husband..."
"i have nothing in this world except my soul, my personality, my spirit, my optimism, my pray to the God to save him the person i love"
it's free when i can write all off "somethingWrong" in my mind..it's OK if my love will be angry if he's read this post, i just don't wanna hide that rush think, maybe he can correct my mind, and give me some advice to control my lability off emotion...God..help me too past this "littleStuff" as soon..i just don't wanna destroy my strength...
---for you my love, i just wanna correct my self, not your past life, i love you just the way you are, better or worst, but i want you respect this"myStupidFeeling", maybe someday i will read this post and LOL, and realize that i have already past off this "myStupidFeeling" ...i'm still in love with you darling...keep trust me d^_____^b<3<3
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